People Skills Is An Oxymoron

In our modern "sharing culture", the truth is most people are more interested in their half of the shared experience.

This time of year is a dilemma for me. Starting in September with Labor Day, we have a crowded schedule of celebrations: during the four months of the last part of the year we have no less than 16 get-togethers. Many are birthdays, some anniversaries, some regular holidays like Thanksgiving, and of course the unscheduled engagement, job promotion, baby shower and whatnot that come along.

Don't get me wrong, I am a social animal. I love schmoozing and seeing friends and family. But as I get older, the crowded-room party atmosphere is super annoying.

Anytime I am in a room with lots of people I get very uncomfortable from the cacophony of the crowd. I am hard of hearing and when I struggle to absorb conflicting voices, background music, children screaming, and glasses clinking I feel isolated and alone. I have a hard time separating conversations, and even when sitting across a table from someone speaking, I often can't differentiate their words. I nod and smile and pretend to understand what they are saying, when in fact I have no clue.

When the party winds down and people start streaming out, I feel a sense of relief and realize I am exhausted. It takes a lot of energy to struggle with my sense of alienation, my confusion and pretending to be engaged when in fact I am actually like an astronaut floating outside the space station, tethered but alone.

There is another aspect that has increased in frequency as I get older: the rudeness of people when involved in a conversation and they either are not listening, easily distracted or simply preoccupied. They start a conversation, then when I respond, they interrupt, look away or simply start a conversation with someone walking by. I just stop mid sentence, astonished that they can be so insensitive.

Another common gripe is people walking up while I'm talking to someone and just butting right in…no "Excuse me" or "Am I interrupting?" They just blurt out something and act like I am not there at all. Worse yet, the person I am speaking too doesn't object. They just turn their head and go in a different direction, leaving me in a state of exasperation.

I seem to remember a different time when conversation was valued. It was considered rude to butt in, to interrupt, to dominate with self serving one-way monologues. People who violated common social courtesy were ostracized. Either someone spoke to those folks and they adjusted their attitude or they weren't invited back.

I also know I am talkative. More so than the average person. That makes some uncomfortable. But my conversational personality has only recently become an issue.

We were sharing stories at a brewery with another couple: I was relating a story about a college experience, when the fellow said, "Enough already! You're boring. You talk to much!"

It hurt my feelings because I was just being me. I was sharing a part of my life. But my friend wasn't willing to share a part of his time. I learned a painful lesson: Sharing isn't what it used to be. In our modern "sharing culture", the truth is most people are more interested in their half of the shared experience.

I know I am considered old-fashioned, but back then we dressed up to go out. We wore nice clothes, cologne and combed our hair. Guys wore jackets and girls wore dresses. The atmosphere was celebratory but not chaotic. If I wanted to have some private time, I would ask to "step outside" and make conversation that was special to that person. Music was usually off to the side, with an area for dancing. It wasn't blasted over the entire gathering to saturate the atmosphere to isolate everyone from each other.

I think the modern approach is designed to bury us in sound waves, forcing people to yell at each other to communicate, making the room unbearably loud and mind boggling. It prevents us from having any intimacy, promoting a sort of tribal ceremony, where communication is limited to body language and group dance motions.It is simply dehumanizing.

If I am right, and our 2024 culture is uninterested in normal socialization, but instead is absorbed in self absorption, or emersion in group selfies or dance routines, then I worry about the future. Is it going to be enough for people to only have text conversations? To be more connected to technology than to human relationships?

Some symptoms are showing: Inability to pay attention, to look each other in the eye, to listen, to care. People prefer texting to talking. People are quick to pass judgment, to overreact, to deflect criticism, to offend. Tempers flare at the drop of a hat, and sometimes friendships are abandoned over relatively minor misunderstandings.

We used to appreciate folks that were good communicators. That were easy to get along with, who could bring people together, be willing to listen to your sorrows, to offer solace and also offer wisdom and inspiration. They would light-up the room, but simultaneously avoid too much attention.

Now it is just the opposite, we cultivate an atmosphere of attention grabbing, self indulgent behaviors, celebrating ourselves with group selfies, and avoiding social complexity. We cloak our insecurities by collecting ostentatious jewelry, expensive designer automobiles and gratuitous tattoos.

The old fashioned social skills my generation valued have withered. People Skills is an oxymoron.